The end.

I've started this post so many times in the last couple weeks. I've lost count of the different ways I decided I would write about this. None of them made it past that initial, opening of Blogger, stage.
Nothing I can write can adequately describe what's going on in my heart and in my mind right now.

Basically, Sam and I, after 4 years together, have broken up. It was instigated by Sam, and he has extremely important reasons for his position, but it's my fault too.

I don't want to assign blame, or fault; nor do I feel comfortable discussing the reasons why it is as it must be. And, as much as it pains me, it must be. It is time for us to part.

I find myself in a difficult place. I have an ok job, even though I don't really like it. I love Squamish. It's beautiful here, and I do have a couple people from work who live here that I do consider friends.
But without Sam, it is not my home. Without the house that I have come to call home, I do not want to be here. The friends I have made this past year in Squamish, while awesome people, are not enough to keep me here. Those closest to me here, Sam's parents and sister, can not be expected to keep me as near and dear as I have been, if Sam is to move on with his life.

I will be leaving at the end of May.

So far, my plan is to spend the summer months at my dad and stepmom's in Kamloops. I can live rent-free for three months, while I try to work out what I'm going to do with my life.
I have several options for the fall. My older brother has recently relocated to Edmonton from Winnipeg (following his divorce), and has offered me a room in his new house. (He has also offered to take over my car and my car payments for a while for me, if I need him to.) I can stay in Kamloops, find an apartment, and start working towards my CMA from there. Or I can go work somewhere else, somewhere different. I had thought I might like to go to the Caribbean, but the whole not-liking-the-heat thing makes that a bit scary.
Right now, I am leaning towards going to Europe and working for a year or so.

If I start really trying to think about what I will do come September or October, I go in to a full-on panic attack. I've had quite a few sleepless nights the last few weeks. I've had beer for dinner more than I should-I understand why my mom became an alcoholic during her seperation/divorce from my dad (though the fact she's still an alcoholic is fucking annoying). Yesterday, I forgot to take my pill in the morning, and I had a scary hour or two thinking about finding a knife and slicing the shit out of myself-which I haven't done in 10 years. Instead, I told Sam that I was thinking about hurting myself and he reminded me that would be stupid. I did tell him he'd be on standby to take me to the hospital during the night if I felt like I was getting to the point where all I can focus on is hurting myself. (It didn't happen.)

We're still living together. This is my home. We have both invested a lot of time and energy into doing what we can to make this a home for ourselves and our cats and dog. Just because we have decided to break up does not mean that Sam has revoked my right to call this my "home". When I leave, all I'm taking are my clothes. I'm leaving everything else here. We have always had a verbal cohabitation agreement, in the case that we did break up. We know what is "his" and what is "mine". I don't even necessarily have to move out, since we are still totally getting along-but obviously, that hurts my heart. And how can we grow seperately if we're still living together?

I'm confused, my heart hurts, my brain hurts, I'm tired, and I feel like an asshole for running home to my parents.
But I also know that I am in a place, in my mind and heart, that requires a support network. And for me, that support network has always been my dad and my brothers, and to a lesser extent (due to personal feelings) my mom. I don't know where I'll be in 6 months, 12 months, 5 years. But I am trying to look at this as an opportunity. An opportunity to explore who I am and to go adventuring. It hurts now, but the rational Megan knows that this is the best thing for both Sam and I. And I still love him, and just want him to be happy. And that means that we have to go our seperate ways.