Well, I'm officially 25 and living with my parents again.
Saturday morning, I cried as I packed my clothes into my car, said goodbye to the cats and dog, and said goodbye to Sam, my former partner of 4 years.
Saturday night I went out for dinner with my mom and step-dad, and stayed at their house in the city. It's only an hour away from Squamish, but it was the farthest I could handle going at first.
I left my mom's just before noon on Sunday, but had to stop in Chilliwack an hour later to buy a Taking Back Sunday cd so I could sing along. When I was singing, I wasn't able to cry.
I cried as soon as I pulled into my parents' driveway.
My step-mom offered to build me a little nest in the living room that I could go hide in when I was feeling upset.
My little brother spent 2 full minutes hugging me in front of his new girlfriend.
I told my dad I felt like a chump, and he said he thought I was actually a chAmp.
Sam and I have texted every day since I left. I've asked daily what the animals have been doing, and he's asked how I'm feeling. I was possibly going to stay at his house tonight, since my step-mom and I are heading down for 24 hours; her for meetings, and me to see my doctor again. I phoned him last night to say I'd be staying at my mom's instead...and had to hang up within 2.2 seconds because I was crying over hearing his voice.
As much as it sucks right now, I know that I've come out of this relationship a better person. I've made a friend who will be in my heart forever (even if right now, that friendship hurts)...And there are other things that I'm sure make me a better person, I just can't think of them right now!
So, I'm still around, still kickin'. Just trying to figure out what I want to do. Now would be the perfect time to go traveling but there are several factors hindering this. Such as my lack of income (or any savings) right now; the economy is Europe is scary; the BP oil spill is fucking with ecosystem that are dependant on tourism; my mental health is a bit fragile right now (I've had a couple panic attacks since getting to Kamloops), and I need my family to cocoon myself in.
Or, I could look into grad school. It's always been something I've planned on doing, I just didn't know when or what I wanted to study. I have been looking into the University of Alberta in Edmonton, since my older brother moved there and has offered me a room in the house that he's bought (that isn't finished being built yet!). I could do a Master of Library and Information Science program, or a Master of Business Admin (I'd have to work for another full year before I could apply though, and I'd like to start Sept 2011, if possible). Or, I could start taking the CMA courses through distance while living in Alberta (the certifications for accountants are different in each province).
I'm leaning more towards Edmonton right now, even if I just go for a year and work and try to save some money towards travelling. My brother has some good reasons for me to go there; I just have to decide...
But thinking about it too hard makes me feel short of breath...sweaty...nauseous....my heart skips several beats....in short, I start having a panic attack.
So, as my step-mom put it the other day, I'm on sabbatical. Trying not to think too hard, trying not to worry. I'll go out and enjoy the sunshine (by sitting in the shade!), as soon as the rain stops.
Maybe it will help me sort things out?
Saturday morning, I cried as I packed my clothes into my car, said goodbye to the cats and dog, and said goodbye to Sam, my former partner of 4 years.
Saturday night I went out for dinner with my mom and step-dad, and stayed at their house in the city. It's only an hour away from Squamish, but it was the farthest I could handle going at first.
I left my mom's just before noon on Sunday, but had to stop in Chilliwack an hour later to buy a Taking Back Sunday cd so I could sing along. When I was singing, I wasn't able to cry.
I cried as soon as I pulled into my parents' driveway.
My step-mom offered to build me a little nest in the living room that I could go hide in when I was feeling upset.
My little brother spent 2 full minutes hugging me in front of his new girlfriend.
I told my dad I felt like a chump, and he said he thought I was actually a chAmp.
Sam and I have texted every day since I left. I've asked daily what the animals have been doing, and he's asked how I'm feeling. I was possibly going to stay at his house tonight, since my step-mom and I are heading down for 24 hours; her for meetings, and me to see my doctor again. I phoned him last night to say I'd be staying at my mom's instead...and had to hang up within 2.2 seconds because I was crying over hearing his voice.
As much as it sucks right now, I know that I've come out of this relationship a better person. I've made a friend who will be in my heart forever (even if right now, that friendship hurts)...And there are other things that I'm sure make me a better person, I just can't think of them right now!
So, I'm still around, still kickin'. Just trying to figure out what I want to do. Now would be the perfect time to go traveling but there are several factors hindering this. Such as my lack of income (or any savings) right now; the economy is Europe is scary; the BP oil spill is fucking with ecosystem that are dependant on tourism; my mental health is a bit fragile right now (I've had a couple panic attacks since getting to Kamloops), and I need my family to cocoon myself in.
Or, I could look into grad school. It's always been something I've planned on doing, I just didn't know when or what I wanted to study. I have been looking into the University of Alberta in Edmonton, since my older brother moved there and has offered me a room in the house that he's bought (that isn't finished being built yet!). I could do a Master of Library and Information Science program, or a Master of Business Admin (I'd have to work for another full year before I could apply though, and I'd like to start Sept 2011, if possible). Or, I could start taking the CMA courses through distance while living in Alberta (the certifications for accountants are different in each province).
I'm leaning more towards Edmonton right now, even if I just go for a year and work and try to save some money towards travelling. My brother has some good reasons for me to go there; I just have to decide...
But thinking about it too hard makes me feel short of breath...sweaty...nauseous....my heart skips several beats....in short, I start having a panic attack.
So, as my step-mom put it the other day, I'm on sabbatical. Trying not to think too hard, trying not to worry. I'll go out and enjoy the sunshine (by sitting in the shade!), as soon as the rain stops.
Maybe it will help me sort things out?
1 Rambles:
Lady, take your time. Don't rush yourself. The answers will reveal themselves to you. I promise.
xoxo
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